u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
