GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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