I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
