i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
