Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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