This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
