you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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