non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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