My sheets look like a crime scene.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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