he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
