My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
