Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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