soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
