Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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