hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
