Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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