I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
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