Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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