I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
