I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
