About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
