i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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