Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
