and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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