i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
