The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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