I just pynch a tree in the face
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
