just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Someone signed my nipple.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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