party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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