Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You are a genius and a whore.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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