if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You ruined the universe
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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