I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
