On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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