This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?