Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair