This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
is wine microwaveable?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
