Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Randomize
