Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Come see our sink grown plant.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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