somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
