Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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