She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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