that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
