apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
