I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
