i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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