I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
