i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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