I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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