I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
