wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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