I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
