My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Ketchup is God's man juice
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
