just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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