You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
