That's intense
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
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