The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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