Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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