k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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