they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
