I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Can vaginas get frostbite?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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