I just cut my nipple shaving
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
