All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
