So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i was born a porn star she said
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
