Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
